Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
