Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
