1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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