you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
