You just made me feel so damn special
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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