He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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