Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
