Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
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