Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
