dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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