I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Ketchup is God's man juice
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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