He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
