there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
