You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
