Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
