just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize