Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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