the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
