did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I deserve this hangover.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
