I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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