Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
