So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
