I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
