I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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