He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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