After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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