Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
