theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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