got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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