so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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