I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
