my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
