I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
