If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Randomize