look no pants
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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