I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize