Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
