the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
