you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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