If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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