I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
