Moan for me like Helen Keller
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
