I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
