i may or may not be watching the land before time
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
