We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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