im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
