i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
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