Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
babies were throwing up all over the place
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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