getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize