Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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