Since when is my name a synonym for head?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
