A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
my nose is crying tears of wow.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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