'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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