He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
