i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
My Sexting was not on an AP level
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
