Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Randomize
