She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
