I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
