Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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