You can't special order awesome
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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