I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
