I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
