I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize