What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
