I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
